They're Born Every Minute...

"Hello dumb-dumb"

I'm convinced I'm the easiest mark on the planet. If a fool and his money are soon parted, then I'm a grade-A moron cause I've been makin' it rain for every scam artist that's crossed my path since I landed in South Asia. The worst part about all of these stupid tricks to ply my money out of my wallet is that every time I fork over those hundred rupee notes I know that I'm getting played! But I keep going back for more...possibly because I like the abuse, but more likely because I have an oddly optimistic blind faith in the goodness of humanity.

As long as it doesn't cost too much, anyways.

You don't have to be a world traveler to know that there are grifters and touts all over the damn place. From the classic three-card-monte routine that I assume was omnipresent in 1980s New York thanks to being overrepresented in my favorite childhood sitcoms to the ever so tempting Nigerian prince with too much money on his hands angle, as long as there have been idiots with money, there have been clever rouges trying desperately to separate them from it. These devilish gambits are kicked into super high gear when traveling abroad - and if you name a scam, I've fallen for it.

I've been tricked out of going to the King's Palace in Bangkok because I was told it was closed for "prayer time." Instead I went shopping - the driver got kick backs. I've been told I could take a fun picture of my friend with a nice Vietnamese lady's basket of fruit - then we were charged handsomely for the opportunity to have done so. Hell I've even paid face value for souvenirs in Israel, which I'm relatively sure is a crime punishable by public shaming at Passover dinner.

But I can't help myself! I'm on vacation! I'm relaxed, I'm not in the negotiating zone. I don't much feel like arguing with some random Tel Aviv shopkeep over a matter of 2 bucks...I just want that stupid hanging lamp so I can give it to an ex-girlfriend who will tell me its nice and then never hang it up. My most recent 'look-here-comes-another-one' moment was a binge purchase of Sri Lankan ayurvedic medicines. Apparent these natural tonics are so effective, they've managed to alleviate all known medical problems amongst the healthy and upwardly mobile native population!

At least that's what they told me at the spice and herbal garden I went to near Dambulla. I took a walk through the interactive exhibits and learned how all of these plants around me were made into medicines that help balance the humors and fight disease by creating harmony in our bodies. I was enchanted by the sights and smells of the free ayurvedic massage they graciously gifted me. I was even blown away when the natural hair removal cream was unceremoniously slapped on my forearm to show me how easy it is to permanently have baby soft, hairless skin (while at the same time forcing me to have to explain to everyone I met going forward why half of my right forearm doesn't have any hair on it anymore). I was so taken in, in fact, that when they paraded me through the room of ayurvedic cures I was convinced I wanted all of them.

Then they told me the price. Kids, I swear to you I showed the utmost of discretion, and I still ended up dropping like $300 bucks on this crap. But it was too good to pass up! Sure, the weight loss tonic made of honey and red pineapple extract probably won't put a dent in my waistline, and a 32 ounce drink made of turmeric and coconut husks that promises to get me to quit smoking forever was a long shot, but I figured I might as well give it a go. And for a mere $120, I bought a magical cure-all that apparently completely fixes my internal balance for 21 goddamn years. If you average that out, it's only $6 a year for balanced humors! Why, I'd be a sucker NOT to buy it!

So why do I continually hand over my somewhat hard-earned money to cheats and thieves at the first promise of an unlikely upside? I suppose I want to believe it'll actually work out like they say it will. If someone tells me a place is closed, I'd like to believe that it's true. If someone offers to take my picture doing some fun, foreign cultural activity, I'd hope it would be out of the goodness of their hearts. And, well, it just made good sense to buy all that ayurvedic crap cause in the off chance it works, I think I'm going to turn into some kind of slender ubermench with the ability to juggle planets as if they were tennis balls. Like I said - I'd be a sucker NOT to buy it.