Sri Lanka Is A Total Sausagefest

It got weird, didn't it.

Dude.  What happened.  Did you send out all the invites?  You told me that you looked through the freshman facebook and invited all the hot chicks.  You said that you told that cute blond girl in Chem125 who like totally made out with Christie down the hall that we were raging later, and you said they said they were gonna come too.  My boy Stinky Pete used his fake to score us some 30 racks and you're tellin me that it's all dudes here? Well fine then, I get first on the beirut table.

Ah shoot, sorry about that...I guess I just had a flashback to freshman year of college.  You know, when you think you're gonna go out and end up at the best party ever but really you just play asshole for ten hours, order pizza at four in the morning, chain smoke a pack of Camels and sleep through International Relations the next morning?  That's not a joke, that's just a literal retelling of what I did every Wednesday night my freshman year.  The joke here is that I've been in Sri Lanka for nigh upon 3 fortnights and I'm tellin you bro, there are no friggin chicks here.

First and foremost, I want to point out that I didn't come to Sri Lanka to meet women.  My intentions in leaving my well-paying, party-a-day lifestyle were to come here and get re-centered, change my career path, lose weight and try to ditch that nagging "work makes me want to kill myself" feeling.  So far I'm progressing steadily on all fronts - but I just find it alarming that there don't seem to be any chicks here! Are the freshman boys just forced to assume that every night will be all about Halo? Do they all get assigned a Color Wheel when they turn 15 and encouraged to just accept their nomadic fate as planeswalkers of the multiverse? Damnit, sorry, that was me flashing back to my freshman year of high school.  I played a trample-damage-mana-hoarding deck, just in case you wanted to compare notes.

It's ridiculous though! The only time I've actually seen boys and girls interacting on this island is when I take a stroll to the beach on the weekends.  Apparently this is the one time that couples can run away from home and find a nice shady palm frond to furtively hide under, romantically overlooking the Indian Ocean.  As the rhythmic thumping of its crashing waves hiccups in their chests, their breath collectively held in a vain attempt to never let their shared moment end, their hands touch.  A spark! A connection! He turns to her, and leans in and says..."Why is that white guy staring at us?" Sorry dude, just wondering where you found a lady.  Realizing that I was now making a spectacle out of myself, I stopped waving at the happy couple and decided to head back home.

I've asked around a bit to see if my suspicions were just me being paranoid, and I have independent confirmation from three separate and distinct sources that there are in fact a dearth of chicks in Sri Lanka.
Source 1 - a co-worker of similar age to myself, who admits that people tend to get married pretty early around here.  Fair enough.
Source 2 - a wealthy Sri Lankan local who has spent most of the last decade working in New York City, who shared a cheap arrack with me and said that you can pretty much forget about local women here cause they don't leave the house.  Okedokie.
Source 3 - an American girl who was traveling through the area after teaching English in Thailand for the past year, who admitted that the scarcity of women on the gem-filled teardrop paradise is a nightmare for her.  Apparently every single hotel employee this side of Matara swarms to the foreigners when they hop off the bus, possibly because all the girls they know are already married.

I could be looking at this the wrong way though.  Perhaps this is a perfect time to embrace my no chicks lifestyle.  I could finally finish up that Star Wars Timothy Zahn style post-post-series that I've had in mind all these years (one where I start by killing of Jacen and Jaina).  My piddling 7th level Paladin might finally have time to level up to slay the alabaster dragon of Azaroth.  Oh and I can finally catch up on all those Deep Space Nine episodes I missed when I was busy being so cool when it was first on!

Ok fine - rewatching Deep Space Nine because I totally had time to watch it during its first run. I guess now all I need is that 30 rack and some of Stinky Pete's Skankin Pickle CDs and we'll have ourselves a party.  Anyone up for some beruit?